I Dare You To Ask

Over the years I have had a lot of people talk to me about pursuing therapy as a career. I will never forget a father telling me that his daughter was considering the field of counseling: “She will be great! She has been telling people what to do since she was two years old!” We laughed. It was a good joke. I also knew that one of the first things you learn in graduate school training as a therapist is NOT to give advice. Sure, therapists offer guidance and offer options for care, but the best therapists are mindful, humble, and careful as they journey with their clients. Advice…offering absolute directives…is not only unethical…it is often unproductive. So what do we do? Just sit there and let a person talk? Do we just go along with bad behavior and choices? Do we just try to make people feel good about whatever they are doing? Do we just nod our heads and say: “Uh-huh. Sure. Wow. That’s too bad. Here’s a Kleenex.”

No. So what do we do? Well, there are a lot of methods and theories out of which therapists operate. Personality also plays a significant role in how a therapist works. However, if I had to provide one answer to that question…to the question what do we do…I would say this: Therapists are trained to ask good questions.

Thoughtful questions.

Caring questions.

Loving questions.

Deliberate questions.

Constructively critical questions.

Brave questions.

Wondering questions.

Humble Questions.

Hard questions.

 

It might sound simple.

It isn’t.

If you aren’t careful, questions can come across condescending, bossy, hateful…or worse…not helpful or productive….a complete waste of time.

Good question asking is an art…and it takes a great deal of mental and emotional energy as well as practice.

Questions, as opposed to statements, require me to put myself aside and to focus on where the other person is…to be able to be WITH them…not ahead of them…and gently lead them…to get where they want and need to be.

As a Christian I am particularly proud that therapists are trained to ask good questions.

Why?

I know someone else who was very good at asking good questions.

 

When Peter saw him, he asked, “Lord, what about him?” Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” (John 21:21-22)

Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” (John 8:10)

He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” (Matthew 12:48).

“You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good?” (Matthew 12:34)

At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?” (Mark 5:30)

 

Actually it seems that there are 173 questions Jesus asked that are recorded in the gospels….and when disciples asked HIM questions Jesus’ way of responding makes me smile…and sometimes drives me crazy. He would often respond with a question…or, even more confusing, with a parable. In Luke chapter ten He does both. He responds first with a question…and then with a parable (metaphor).

On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

“What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”

He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’^[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

“You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two denariiand gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’

“Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”

The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”

Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”

Luke 10:25-37

 

I think we could all stand to be more like Jesus. Rather than trying to give so much advice…to make so many statements…we could all ask more questions

Thoughtful questions.

Caring questions.

Loving questions.

Deliberate questions.

Constructively critical questions.

Brave questions.

Wondering questions.

Humble Questions.

Hard questions.

Culture wars come and go. As sad/embarrassed/angry as I get over how people behave in response to each one that comes along I have to remind myself each time that humans have been having these wars a long, long time. Unless I stick my head in the sand, unless I disconnect from all relationships, I will never avoid the emotional roller coaster that usually accompanies each one.

So, I am doing my best to do my part to ask good questions….not to accept any side of any issue “hook, line, and sinker.” I’m doing my best to remember that media on both sides of these wars love publicity. I’m not interested in being a victim of their stunts. I’m doing my best to remember that every person involved is a human with a story. I’m doing my best to remember that no one is perfect. No one side of anything is “all good” or “all bad”. No. One.

I don’t think that by asking questions I am just sitting here. Asking good questions doesn’t mean I go along with bad behavior and choices. Doesn’t mean I just try to make people feel good about whatever they are doing. Doesn’t mean I just nod my head and say: “Uh-huh. Sure. Wow. That’s too bad. Here’s a Kleenex.”

It might sound simple.

It isn’t.

If we aren’t careful, questions we ask can come across condescending, bossy, hateful…or worse…not helpful or productive….a complete waste of time.

Good question asking is an art…and it takes a great deal of mental and emotional energy as well as practice.

Questions, as opposed to statements, require us to put ourselves aside and to focus on where other people are…to be able to be WITH them…not ahead of them.

 

So I encourage you…I DARE you…to ask more questions.

Thoughtful questions.

Caring questions.

Loving questions.

Deliberate questions.

Constructively critical questions.

Brave questions.

Wondering questions.

Humble Questions.

Hard questions.

 

In regards to the latest culture war here is a list of blog posts I have seen representing many, many, many different sides and thoughts on the issue.

If you read any of them I hope that they will spark more questions.

If you know of other blog posts you have found helpful or provocative feel free to add them in the comment section below.

Jen Hatmaker: http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2013/12/21/the-duck-thing-is-there-another-way

Kristen Howerton (Rage Against the Minivan): http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2013/12/duck-dynasty-first-amendment-rights-and.html

Adam Lewis: http://adamlewis.wordpress.com/2013/12/18/a-letter-to-the-ae-network/

A Holy Experience: http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/12/dear-kids-never-forget-the-power-of-words-what-you-need-to-know-about-duck-dynasty-justine-sacco-and-christmas-2/

In the Parlor: http://intheparlor.wordpress.com/2013/12/19/what-you-believe-about-homosexuality-doesnt-matter/

Canon Fodder: http://michaeljkruger.com/wheres-all-of-the-tolerance-duck-dynasty-and-homosexuality/