Yes. No. (Or…Don’t Make Me Read Your Mind or Facebook Posts)

There are times it can seem the universe is sending you a message. Like a heartbeat it keeps coming at you…pounding out the memorandum. Over and over and over again. Rhythmically.

Are you listening? Are you listening? Are you listening?

The students that I have supervised through the years often notice that the same issues, just different people, keep coming through their doors. Different clients, but the same struggles. And? So often the issues are connected in some way…big or small… to lessons these budding therapists are struggling to learn in their own lives.

Isomorphism. Parallel process. The me in you.

I am familiar with it, too. All too familiar.

Like a heartbeat…pounding out the memorandum. Over and over and over again. Rhythmically.

Are you listening? Are you listening? Are you listening?

We laugh and groan and lean into the work together. I get it. My mentor said: “A good therapist is a self-aware therapist.” The only way to do good work with clients is to do good work with ourselves. And, the work never stops. One of the hazards (or gifts) of being a therapist is being pushed continuously to grow and think and explore and face your own stuff. We all have STUFF. WORK. Even therapists.

I don’t know. Maybe it is a coincidence. Maybe it has to do with the focus of our own hearts and minds based on our own issues. You see what you want…or need…to see.

Or, maybe.

Just maybe.

Maybe it IS the universe…God… sending you a message. Like a heartbeat it keeps coming at you…pounding out the memorandum. Over and over and over again. Rhythmically.

Are you listening? Are you listening? Are you listening?

Over the past month or so I have noticed a topic popping up all over the place. In conversations in about every space I occupy. It goes something like this. Someone tells me that they are upset. Feeling disrespected. Not heard. Indignant. Ignored. So I respond.

“Ok, so what I think I hear you saying is that you are upset because she didn’t do A, B, and C. Am I hearing you right?”

“Yes!”

“Have you told them? Have you said ‘I want you to do A, B, and C?’ “

Then.

Silence.

Or. Subject change.

Or. Deflecting and more complaining.

Wait. What?! You are upset with her for not doing something you haven’t even told her you want her to do?

There is a verse in Christian scriptures that goes something like this: “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’” (Matthew 5:37).

Sounds so easy, right? But, I think we all know that it is surprisingly difficult to communicate clearly, kindly, and DIRECTLY.

We would rather people read our minds.

Or our Facebook pages.

Ouch.

Ok, hold up. Soap box break.

Listen. If you post a link to something and it includes a statement like “Hmmm. Interesting” we all know what you are posting is for SOMEONE who follows you on your Facebook page. INCLUDING the one you posted it for! You. Aren’t. Fooling. Anyone. Also? You aren’t winning any arguments or changing lives taking this route either. Friend. Don’t do it! Just don’t. M-kay? The relational fall out and resulting paranoia is so not worth it! You are better than that, friend. Much better.

Ok, Soap box break is over.

The fact is, speaking directly requires a great deal of confidence, bravery and vulnerability.

It necessitates confidence and respect for the relationship. It calls for bravery to face any response. It demands vulnerability that you might be misunderstood and willingness and courage to BE misunderstood. Vulnerability to try again if you ARE misunderstood…or to walk away knowing you did your best to say what you needed to say.

It is a whole lot easier to make passive aggressive posts on social media or to complain to others or just expect that the person KNOWS… and then get mad and indignant when they DON’T know.

Damn you people. Why can’t you read minds?

Or Facebook posts?

Damn you!

We learn all kinds of exhausting games to play in order to avoid speaking directly. Gracious. All KINDS of manipulative…sometimes quite COMPLEX….games. Iron fists in velvet gloves. Double talk. Silent treatments.

We would rather tolerate the complex games and exhaustion and resulting anger and pain and lack of connection than do the internal work required for courage and vulnerability and respect and connection. It takes a great deal of inner self-soothing to be able to say things like…

“I really need you to help me with…”

“It would mean a lot to me if you did…”

“It upset me when you…”

“Here are my expectations. Do they make sense to you?

Yes. No.

Straight forward.

Direct.

Kind.

Loving.

Hopeful for a good outcome.

Trusting.

Firm.

Assertive.

Honest.

Clear.

Respectful.

Did you know that you can be kind and firm, friend? Did you know that?

Are you listening? Are you listening? Are you listening?

“I love you. And, this upset me.”

“No, I’m not ok with that. It would mean a lot to me if you would …. I would rather you…”

“I’ve noticed that you have been… It would mean a lot to me if…”

“When you told me…it scared/angered/disappointed me.”

“I have this going on and I really need help in this way. Would you help me?”

Yes. No.

Straight forward.

Direct.

Kind.

Loving.

Hopeful for a good outcome.

Trusting.

Firm.

Assertive.

Honest.

Clear.

Respectful.

Listen, friend, it does NOT escape my attention that this message keeps popping up in MY spaces. Like the universe is sending me a message. Like a heartbeat it keeps coming at me…pounding out the memorandum. Over and over and over again. Rhythmically.

Are you listening? Are you listening? Are you listening?

So, here’s what I want to propose to you. A promise. I am trying. REALLY hard. To practice what I preach. If I am wondering something…I am trying to ask it. If I need help, I am trying to reach out for it. If I am upset about something, I am communicating it.

Yes. No.

Straight forward.

Direct.

Kind.

Loving.

Hopeful for a good outcome.

Trusting.

Firm.

Assertive.

Honest.

Clear.

Respectful.

Will you join me? Will you look around and notice where you are hoping people will read your mind? Or your Facebook posts?

I’m not asking you to take these steps to being more honest, direct, and kindly assertive in places that are not safe to you. Absolutely not.

But let’s cut out the nonsense, shall we? Let’s be brave. And, stop playing exhausting games. No more “Hmmm. Interesting” Facebook posts.

It will necessitate confidence and respect for the relationship. It will call for bravery to face any response. It will demand vulnerability that you might be misunderstood and willingness and courage to BE misunderstood. Vulnerability to try again if you ARE misunderstood…or to walk away knowing you did your best to say what you needed to say.

I think we can do it. I KNOW we can.

Yes. No.

Are you listening? Are you listening? Are you listening?