For What It’s Worth… Loss
Therapy is way more than a toolbox of intervention. Information alone cannot replace professional help. However, information can be very powerful. So, for what it’s worth to you, here is the weekly post offering a therapeutic idea, concept, or intervention that you can try out in your own life or relationships.
One thing that all of humanity has in common is that each person will face loss in many ways many times throughout life. Loss does not just take place through physical death. It also takes places through moves across the country or across town, job changes or job loss, divorce, infidelity…the list could go on and on.
I am not going to tell you anything today that will take away the pain or speed up the process of grief that you or a loved one will experience in response to any of these losses.
I don’t have a magic wand.
I am going to share a well-known understanding of grief as a cycle as proposed by Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, sometimes referred to as the acronym, “DABDA”.
Denial: “She couldn’t be dead…I just saw here this morning.”
“He will come back. I know he wouldn’t really do this.”
It doesn’t have to make sense.
Anger: A person can be angry at anyone or anything. A person might be angry at
the company who let them go, the pastor who left for another church, the man with whom the wife had an affair. A person might be angry at themselves, at God, or even the person who died. Again, it doesn’t have to make sense.
Bargaining: “Maybe if I am a perfect little girl mom and dad will get back (or
“If you will let her live I will do anything you say or go anywhere
“If I workout every day and lose all of this weight maybe she will
still love me.”
Bargaining does not have to make sense either. There is some reverting to childlike “magical thinking” that takes place in the early grief process.
Depression: This stage comes before the last, acceptance, because a person comes face to face with the reality of the “new normal”. This stage is when a person realizes that this loss is for real. There is no going back. That realization is tough.
Acceptance: This stage is a misnomer. It could imply that grief comes to an end and you never hurt again. Life goes on AND life events will likely trigger some grief. On mother’s day ten years after your mother has died…at your wedding when your parents are divorced…at the birth of your first child and your father is gone…at the anniversary of your spouse’s death…and the holiday seasons.
This cycle is not linear. A person can jump around and skip phases. Grief is messy.
The power in knowing these stages is understanding that you or your loved one is NORMAL. Realizing that what you are going through is normal can be one of the most powerful realizations in your grief process. The more we think we are ABNORMAL, the more we fight the process, the more we feel weird, the more we get down on ourselves…and of course none of these beliefs or behaviors are very helpful for the healing process.
So, I am guessing that this week, today, this moment, you can think of someone that is facing loss. Perhaps it is yourself.
For what it’s worth, knowing about the stages of grief could offer some comfort. When a person understands that they are not alone in what they are experiencing that understanding alone can be comforting.
Thanks for sharing this!
Thanks for reading, Jon. 😉
I think everyone needs to post these somewhere so that when they actually deal with it they can remember! Thanks so much for sharing.
I agree, Kelly. I am always a little surprised, when it comes up, that so many of my clients do not know about these stages. I think they can be so helpful.
Oh my, so this stage where I am in right now is actually good. I’m at the acceptance level. I may not have lost someone to death but someone because of a “heartbreak”. Hmm, so this is why I feel as if I’m poised for a new beginning. Acceptance is actually the last stage.:) Thank you for sharing this. It made me understand a lot of things.
Yen, heartbreak certainly counts as a loss. I am glad you are poised for a new beginning!
Good reminder that I am not abnormal and that although I am stuck in a stage there is hope that I can move on to the next stage….now the tricky part is figuring out how! Thank you so much for sharing!
Jenn, I sometimes think that the trick to moving on is not fighting the stage…and reminding yourself that you are right where you are supposed to me…that what you are experiencing is normal. This revelation and self talk somehow helps loosen up the “stuckness”. Trust yourself along with God’s work in you and your situation. You’ll know when you are ready to move on. Much love friend.
[…] fact out. The truth is that we can get depressed about being depressed! If you have experienced death, divorce, or any other major life event as well as stressful circumstances like mothering small […]
One of the tricks that this process will do for you in a negative way is it will try to isolate you. Isolation is not the way to grieve. The way to grieve is to be around positive influences to keep you from seeing the negative in every situation. Each stage can take up to a few month for some people or a few weeks. The more you fight it the longer the process the the more you except it and just let the pain out the quicker you will go through the process. I know all of this by experience from losing my brother 7 1/2 years ago. I finally reached my acceptance stage a few years ago. This is why I want to write a book about my grieving experience. Thanks for sharing Professor Stone.